Time for a Refill
Do you ever have those days or even weeks when your heart, mind, and body are just flat out exhausted?! When even making yourself a cup of coffee seems labored… Yeah, well, me too, and that’s precisely where I’ve been this week. These past few months have been surreal. A constant flurry of appointments, needles, scans, and results. It has felt like an out-of-body experience since June and the pace of it all is just starting to hit.
I am often asked how I’m making it all “work” during such a tough season. I give the same answer every time because that’s just what you do, you make it work. You keep your head up, eyes on the prize, and never quit – it’s marathon season and I’m way past training.
Yesterday, I woke up alone and gave a huge sigh of relief. Ryan has always been an early riser and has never, in the years we’ve been married, been able to sleep past 6:00 a.m. That’s unlike me, who can sleep till 10:30am every single day! When we started Chemotherapy Ryan began sleeping more and more because, quite frankly, he was too sick to get out of bed. So when I woke up yesterday, smelling the scent of coffee and hearing Dolly in the living room squeaking her toys, it dawned on me that he must be feeling better. In that moment giant tears welled in my eyes.
To put it into perspective, last Saturday he didn’t get out of bed until 5:00 p.m.. So this was a very, very, good sign.
Even though I woke up feeling like I was living in a dream, knowing that he isn’t just feeling better only to feel bad again (his final chemo was last week), I felt an overwhelming sense of exhaustion. To be honest, I haven’t given my self a lot of grace during this season. I’ve tried to manage all the things and I’m just starting to feel the effects of it all. The lesson I’m learning is that all these feelings may just be okay – That there’s nothing wrong with feeling burned out, but it’s never a good idea to ignore it.
Ryan saw it in my eyes as soon as I woke up this morning. He knew I needed some rest – Some time out of the house, away from my computer and phone, with no doctor appointments, for just a little fun. So we got in the car and went for a drive. We ended up at a coffee shop and sipped our lattes outside, telling each other bad dad jokes and talking about how much we love Dolly and our life together. Then we swung by Trader Joe’s for groceries before heading home to enjoy the sunset from our back porch.
There was nothing fancy about it, but it was just what I needed, a break.
It was mostly running errands, but it filled my energy tank and reminded me why the fight is worth fighting. It’s more than NORMAL to have days or weeks of pure exhaustion, self doubt, and an attitude of general “over-it-ness”. But never forget there is always a new day around the corner filled with hope. And in this season, God is more than equipped to handle the exhaustion with grace and meet us right where we are – which for me looked like a simple afternoon off with a Pumpkin Spice latte and a trip to Trader Joe’s.